The intensity of his unhappiness was the memory he could have foreseen. He wished he could call her. He despised himself, incapable of speaking to her. It marked the end of a secret life.
They said, one can't really use words, that might get in our way. False words, false reactions. Just more of the same. Even if the words are still there whatever it is words do.... So had he once forgotten his own feelings.
His curiosity to have some kind of secret He found reasonable. The man he changed everything. Focusing on the minor question If he had something to hide.